| I don't ever want to feel this way again |
[Feb. 24th, 2006|10:11 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  infuriated | ] |
I know what its like to be be happy. I know whats its like to smile everytime you hear someones name. I know whats its like to have no worries. I know what its like to have all your dreams come true. I know what its like to have all this taken away. To feel like it was never supposed to be. I know what its like to be controlled. I was being controlled. I know what its like to have no say in the thing that means the most to you. I will learn what its like to be crazy, to be depressed again, to cut again, to love pain again, to climb back in my shell again. There will always be "human drama." Thanks for showing me this.............thanks a lot. |
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| We see the flames rise with our discontent |
[Feb. 19th, 2006|11:43 am] |
| [ | music |
| | the conversation heart | ] |
Yesterday was rad. Tons of skating followed by chill drunken time with teh homies. I fucking snapped my deck in half last night when i landed on it wrong. buts its all good now, because i remember i saw this used deck that nobody was using, so i took taht shit. im really stoked that im starting to skate again. so much fun. today i hope that i can skate somemore. i know i will. its sunday...no school tommorow. that'll be rad. well imma go take a shower, im smelly. lol.
The love that made you cry.
cleveland |
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| so far today |
[Feb. 18th, 2006|11:10 am] |
| [ | music |
| | You say party! We say Die! | ] |
breakfast...mmmhhhmmmm coffee, cigarretes and the o.c.
everything willll beee allrriiiiiightttttt
Band crushes: You say party! We say die! and the Plastic Constellations
Todays goals: Skate with the homies, Land a moving flip trick (heel flip or Kick Flip)
Its funny how things seem to fall apart for a couple of days, then suddenly i see what i want in the trash... pick it up, and things seem to be okay.
Our Country... I believe i was born during the final stages of the american dynasty... The arrogance that seems to define the mentality of americans will be our downfall...
i hope america falls and crumbles... i feel that i would like to see the destruction of our country... not because i think that something good might happen, i just think it would be fun to see what kids thousands of years from now will be taught as a major turning point in world history. we will all learn to see the beauty in destruction...beauty! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 14th, 2006|10:14 am] |
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pathetic.insecure.cleveland.lost.worried.dying.cleveland.loved.family. alone.cleveland.wont.ever.tell.you.my.secret.me.cleveland? |
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| I can never be that? |
[Feb. 11th, 2006|08:14 am] |
| [ | music |
| | fuckity fucks and the switch blade | ] |
See. Some people are just bullshit. it happens. and i fucking blame them for it. sure the societies and families have imbedded ways and values( as bullshit as they may be) into there head, but fucking wake up man. Anytime i get attetion, its negative attention. fuck this, im not doing this here and now. atleast she understood. tahts one thing i could say about her that i still like. she fucking understood. and ill sadly never find that agaain.ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh rambling thoughtless thoughts. |
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| how we know |
[Feb. 9th, 2006|07:39 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | fucked forever | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Nuetral Milk Hotel | ] |
Theres something going on. I can feel it. Things are not the best right now, yet things are going better than they ever have. Having emotions seems to be useless, but not as uselesss as me. argh, i dont know when ill be fine again. my lifes just one big fucking letdown. I have lovely friends. but i am not loved. I'm so frustrated! I wish that I had somebody who truely loved me and vice versa. but what the hell, i never really excpected having a good time anyway. |
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| scary |
[Feb. 6th, 2006|01:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | big business | ] |
Man. i woke up this morning at like 530 am. i felt perfectly fine. actually better than i feel on most days. until... everyone kept asking me if i was okay. i believe that i got really fucking smashed last night. so theres another black-out in my memory blogs. i hope i dont learn that i did anything stupid last night.. |
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| full speed ahead |
[Jan. 25th, 2006|08:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pleased | ] |
| [ | music |
| | you say party! we say die! | ] |
this is going to be a glorius week and weekend. everythings already planned out. today, wednesday, i got to class, then hang out with the homies during high-hump festivities. tommorow i take pics for my mom and see inga muscio speech. thats should be quite inspiring. friday, footbagging at 1, then the loa showcase show. then friday and saturday nights will be prefunking parties for the blood brothers/you say party! we say die! show in canada. hopefully everything goe to plan. im stoked!!! |
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| its been a while.. |
[Jan. 18th, 2006|07:40 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | chipper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | We versus the shark | ] |
Molly and Andrew and Lizzie came up from seattle, to bellingham. this was awesome because they spend most of there years in new york, becuase of school. it was awesome seeing those dudes. Its wierd to see you bestfriends only a couple times during the school year. But i guess thats life. We still had a blast. And im making gopod friends at western as well. during there stay i realized that they have something in common with my friends in bellingham. they plan to help people in a direct way as an adult. not sending a check once a year, which is helpful still cause thats all some people can do, but they all want to be there person doing the work. im glad i surrounded myself with people like this, because money is so far from being my goal in life. and its sad that a lot of peoples goals in life, is to become "sucessful" or in laymans words "wealthy". the reason i still believe that the world will make changes during my life for the good, is because we are all just people. some of us hide behind the mask of a corporation, or a political belief. but i hope that people will work to together to make something wonderful. i hope that happens. i know it will. i believe in people.
The show on jan 13 that i booked and ran, went super well. i think it was pretty good fora first show. all the bands were good, except a couple asshole moments from antler/ycad that slowed the show down. but they were really nice kids and were just doing it as the stage gimmicks or whatever. i thought it was funny, but thats prolly because im used to people like that in seattle. but eh? it happens. derek from Typical Ace did a mighty fine job as Danzig. it was awesome. i was so impressed that someone could actullay sound pretty close to danzig. Derek has awesome stage presence. Thats something i want. i think it has to do with being really comfortable. FFA and BENt were just what i excpected. Fucking awesome. FFA totally stole the show for me, but i dont knwo about everyone else. i had a rad weekend. watch some teenage mutant ninja turtles. got some things off my chest in a drunken stupor. watched MARCH OF THE FUCKING PENGUINS!!!! life is going well dudes. imma go take a shower before my nine o clock class WOOOT. |
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| fuck...this is going to be a while |
[Dec. 30th, 2005|04:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  worried | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ex models-other mathematics | ] |
so as i was sitting at my comp listeing to music today, think about how fucked up our country is getting. i dont believe ive ever ahd a phone call that hasnt been recorded into some database that some government agency that i never heard ofs basement. i mean, my father who will now admit that he was brainwashed by the military when he was in the army has told me about how the us spies on people. then i thought... we have three more years of this bullshit administration, and no matter who is elected, the same shit will still be going on. american goverment is way more fucked up than democrats or republicans, they are almost the same fucking party in my opinion. i wish i had a leader, becuase im too confused to lead myself. thats the saddest part...imma go have a cigarette |
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| home? |
[Dec. 28th, 2005|07:26 am] |
| [ | music |
| | circle takes the square | ] |
damn those last couple post where lame.
Seattle doesnt do it for me anymore. People are stuck doing the same thing. and thats fucking boring. I hate the, "i havent seen you in a long time? sit down and listen to me gossip about stupid shit" i hate it. i dont like it. thats what most of my old friends conversations were like. eww. but it was really nice to see tim. molly, lizzie and lindsey. tim and molly are really enjoying new york. and all they can talk about is me moving there. i dont know whats holding me back. maybe after college. new york seems rad. just too expensive. i had to come bakc to bellingham! i dont have a family. i need to find one. its really fucking pathetic. im so emotinally unsatisfied. it sucks having your best friends live thousands of miles away. but atleast i have some rad friends in bellingham. they fucking rock. |
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| blah blah bored |
[Dec. 23rd, 2005|03:59 pm] |
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i hate sitting at home waiting for a friend to call to hang out. im so fucking bored... i sat and watched tv yesterday. tv news is quite sickening. oh well. england has so many fucking cameras watching its citizens, its scary. but they just leagalized same sex marriages. when will a country get a complete package of awesomeness, so i can pack up and move? |
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| your wishes are my fears |
[Dec. 23rd, 2005|03:59 pm] |
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I dont want to live in a safe country. I believe most acts of defiance have to be carried out with violence. America needs change. i dont know how it will happen, but i know democrats nor republicans can bring upon the change i would like to see in this country. |
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| bored as hell! |
[Dec. 14th, 2005|04:58 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | sunny day real estate | ] |
hmm. mostly talking about christian religion.
religion: Can there really be a God? yes. Is there a god? maybe, prolly not.
The only reason I can say that there can be a god is due to the fact that I can not disprove the fact that it exist. And if there is a "God" i dont see why he would even care if I believe/worship him. To believe in a God seems to say that you don't believe in free will. example. It has been said that god is all powerful. and most people who believe in God would say that God is all powerful. If he is all powerful he knows where I'll be in fifty years. and if he knows where ill be, wont he know how I got there? seems to me, if he already knows where ill be, then my decisions have already been made.
After writing was I just wrote above, I can say that I dont believe any of it. Unless I assume that god is a prick. Because if god where a prick, then when he created the world, he would have seen all the tortures happen, and know that he would be the reason for the hatred among people. If "god" wouldnt have created people, I would not hurt now.
I forget what ive written above, im to lazy to read it. drugs will do that. I guess i will end this by saying, im going to treat god like an exgirlfriend. someone i used to love, but know it would be to painful to go back. |
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| so fucking lame |
[Dec. 14th, 2005|02:29 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | full frontal assualt | ] |
I feel so bad, because i dont remeber the last time i made some as happy as they have made me feel. i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me today. FUCK
maybe ill go sing someone elses lyrics about someone elses girl. pathetic. |
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| akward conversations and lonely nights |
[Dec. 14th, 2005|02:06 pm] |
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Life can be somewhat unsatisfying. My mother is proud that im getting good grades. The only reason go to school because I feel that one day it will bring us together again. I dislike my father. but only when im not arround him. he seems so inoccent and oblivious in person. whatever. as long as i dont let him hold me back , then everything will be right eh? fuck, why does being right matter? i hate thinking like this. I dont know how much longer ill be able to maintain myself. i feel numb. i dont have urges to do anything and my urges to be with people quickly fade away after a 5 min talk. i wish i could see myself as other see me. that would give me a lot of perpective. its tiring to always hear that you are really cool, or awesome, or any thing like that, especially when you dont feel that way about yourself. i dont know what i think about myself. when the fuck will i get off the bus? where the fuck is home? |
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| eventually |
[Dec. 13th, 2005|10:24 pm] |
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Its sucks when you know what you want/need but you just cant get it. i feel this way a lot. and then i think, why the fuck does it matter, this is the only life i get, will this really matter 10 years from now. i need to learn to care more. |
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| schoolyard concert |
[Dec. 12th, 2005|10:31 pm] |
A schoolyead heroes concert was just what i need for the end of the quarter. its was fucking rad. I dont know why i like them so much. but i never find as much intensity in myself, unless im at one of their shows. the only thing thats close is the blood brothers, or playing my guitar.
something i hate at the show was all these kids grabbign on ryann, and rubbinh her hair as she sang. i know some people do this as a form of admiration. i just think its fucking creepy. |
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| never going home |
[Dec. 8th, 2005|01:12 pm] |
So I remember starting one of these things in high school. I mean shit, this was the cool thing to do back then. On my list of daily activities, its was right below smoking pot, playing violin, skateboarding and hanging with friends. Now, I don't know where this will fit in my list of daily activities. But it seems like a cool place to vent. By cool, I mean that the people or situations I write about will probably not be read by the people who are the context of my content.
Last night as I called the girl of my dreams, and couldnt tell her how I felt about her. I just wanted to tell someone else. But I realsize that I haven't opened up to someone in a while. Maybe thats why im drawn to here. I've decided that I will write in this thingy until i can find someway to openly express my feelings to people in person again. and if someone is reading, I'm not sad or depressed, I just get lonely and act all emo and shit. |
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